“Every city is a ghost.”First line in Lair of Dreams by Libba Bray
You’ve read the title of this post and now you’re thinking: what the hell is this? Well, it is the result of me thinking I should find a way to combine two of my favorite things: Fantasy and Eurovision. It is Wyrd and Wonder month and today, Saturday, is also the day of the Eurovision Grand Final, so I have tried to imagine what it would be like to have Fantasy characters enter the European singing competition. I mean, Australia has already been welcomed in so including fictional book characters is the next logical step if you ask me. And hey, the Eurovision movie was nominated for a Hugo Award (yeah, I’m also confused), so this is actually the perfect post for Wyrd and Wonder.
For each of the characters, I’ll be imagining what their performance would be like, whether they’d be popular among fans and so on. I’ll even give a totally fake song title that is a subtle reference to their respective books. Enjoy!
Performers: Merry and Pippin (Lord of the Rings)
Song Title: The Green Dragon
If you’ve watched the movie Return of the King, you’ll already have seen a sneak peek of their performance. At Eurovision, they will also be dancing on tables alongside other hobbits from the Shire and generally have a very good time. As it is a song about beer, they wanted to have actual beer on stage (and drink it obviously), but the Eurovision people said no. Nevertheless, a drinking song will always be popular in Europe, and they should be a clear fan-favorite.
Performer: Nina Zenik (Six of Crows)
Song Title: Your Heart is Mine
Canonically, Nina has a terrible singing voice, but she would love the spectacle that is Eurovision. She will have a very elaborate stage show with dancers and vibrant colors, and afterwards she will probably go and eat waffles in the greenroom. And no, she can’t sing, however, she is able to stop your heart if you don’t vote for her. She will know if you didn’t.
Performer: Kaladin Stormblessed (The Stormlight Archive)
Song Title: Sweet Sorrow
When Brandon Sanderson wrote about Kaladin, he clearly forgot to mention his amazing singing talent. That, however, does not mean that Kaladin will love being at Eurovision. He has been forced by Syl who was very adamant about him needing to get out more. It isn’t a major success though, first of all, because his song is a depressing ballad, but also because he really doesn’t know how to create the proper stage show (and he refused to ask Adolin for help), so he will just be standing there looking pretty. Which will also get him some points but not a lot.
Performer: Kvothe (Kingkiller Chronicle)
Song Title: Me, Myself and I
Naturally, Kvothe shows up with a masterpiece that ensures that he has the juries in the palm of his hand. His stage show is simple with him playing the lute in front of a forest backdrop, and in true Eurovision fashion, he even sings a part of the song in a language nobody understands. He will get a mixed reception among Eurovision fans as many will appreciate the song, but they will also notice how he seems a bit full of himself in interviews.
Performers: The cast of The Magicians (the TV show, not the books)
Song Title: Peaches and Plums
This cast has proven that they should enter (and win) a singing competition several times, so of course, they would jump at the opportunity to participate in Eurovision. Especially Eliot and Margo will feel right at home, and they are also the group’s lead singers alongside Kady. They steal the spotlight with their outgoing personalities, and they truly create a party on stage. Which is good because it draws attention away from those in the background. Quentin is fumbling around, not really knowing what he’s doing while Alice is be too busy rolling her eyes at him to do anything else. Someone would claim they had spotted Penny as well for a second in the beginning but then he was suddenly gone again.
Performers: Henry DuBois and Theta Knight (The Diviners)
Song Title: Let’s Take a Stroll in My Dreams
Henry and Theta are bringing 1920s America to Eurovision and they are more than welcome. Henry will be singing at the piano while Theta will be dancing alongside other Ziegfeld girls in a show that involves quite a bit of fire that no one really knows where is coming from. Overall, Henry and Theta are very popular because everyone is in love with their close friendship and chemistry together.
How do you think they’d fare? Who would you vote for? (Don’t worry, I don’t Nina will actually kill you). Is this a very weird post? (hint: yes). But let me know what you think in the comments! Happy Wyrd and Wonder and Eurovision!